When I grow up

By the time you’re 5 years old you’ve been asked “What do you want to be when you grow up?”.

As kids we have such high aspersions. We want to movie stars and firemen, doctors, veterinarians, or even fly rocket ships. Our little innocent minds know no limits. When I was little, a doctor was my career of choice. My theory behind it was if I grew up to be a doctor then I could fix my mom.

A brief little background, my mom has been disabled since she was a pre-teen, she was told that she would never be able to have kids (Surprise!). My whole life I watched her suffer from her illnesses. There were times I would spend days or weeks with a family member so my dad was able to work while my mom took a stay in the hospital.

So naturally, as a child I didn’t want to see my mom so sick (I still don’t as an adult). I didn’t want to see her suffer and that 5 year old little mind of mine just “knew” that when I became a doctor I would find the cure that saved her from her misery. But that never happened.

There came a point in my life when I realized that 8 years of college was a pretty far fetched idea for someone whose blue collar father worked until his fingers bled for just enough to barely get by; let alone help pay to send me through medical school. The idea of being a doctor went out of the window.

In high school I was offered the chance to go to Vocational School as part of my school day. You picked a course that sounded like something you wanted to do for a living and it was basically like program to put you on a career path. (Side Note: if this opportunity is given to you, take it! But, be sure not to take it for granted)

My choice was dental assisting, besides the fact that I was unable to graduate and get my certificate due to a car accident in 2004 that left me unable to attend a fair portion of the course. Dental assisting was not the choice for me! Once during my externship I assisted working on my mother, we were doing extraction of impactions. Without all the lovely 🤮 details I will tell you, that day my mind said “NOPE! Ain’t happening” and just like that my “dental career” was over.

After that I did some jumping around doing cashier work here and there, everything from pumping gas to working at the grocery store. For a while I had a nice little waitressing gig at a bar (which will come up again in a future post) but the crowd stopped coming and so did the money so needless to say, you can’t stay where there ain’t money (especially when your making $2.15 an hour without tips).

At one point I was even an exterminator! Working 70 hours a week and being way underpaid.

I’ll have to say though, it had its benefits. Most of my work was on LBI, which for those of you that don’t know is the island off the Jersey Coast where rich people buy $1million dollar homes to stay in 2-3 months out of the year. Anyhow, Since they only live there for a small fraction of the year and our services were quarterly I would pick up the keys for my route in the morning from my office and head down to do my job. Seeing the insides of some of these homes were completely awe inspiring. As I would walk room to room I would say to myself, “One day I will have my dream home”.

Then… I got pregnant. Clearly, spraying pesticides was not a suitable job for a pregnant woman. So, once again it was time for a career change. I just didn’t know then that career change would be to a stay at home mom. That was my one and only full time job for a long fucking time.

When the kids got a little older I got a job at the School District as a custodian. Awesome job. I spent 8 hours a night listening to pandora and cleaning not having to see another person. It was my “free time” from being a mom and it was a great job for 3 years. Till I found out I was sick. Everyday I was tired & my body was filled with pain. Even though I was getting plenty of exercise and eating healthy, I just kept getting sicker. It was then that I found out I had several autoimmune disorders, all of them with chronic pain being one of the most common symptoms.

Isn’t to easy to push a broom or mop a floor when your muscles literally feel as though they are not only on fire but tearing at the same time.

Custodian was off the list.

Now here I sit, once again a stay at home mom, with my cup of “Relaxed Mind” tea by Yogi and the ever so quiet Zen music playing from my Google Home (that our friend Kurt gave us for Christmas) writing this blog & thinking… “What do I want to be when I grow up?”

At 31 years old you’d think I’d have my shit together but I don’t. The options are endless but there are multiple things that hinder my next move.

1. Whatever I choose has to offer me flexibility to care for my children.

2. In today’s world, you can’t even make decent money without a college degree.

3. College cost money.

4. I don’t have any.

5. My anxiety allows me to drive no more than 10 miles away from my home.

6. Did I mention the issue of kids and money?

7. Let’s not forget, all the million and one scenarios I will make up in my head that will tell me “You can’t do that!”

Which leaves me back at square one.

My dad shared a piece of wisdom with me recently, he said “It doesn’t matter what you CAN get a degree in, it matters what you WANT to get a degree in- If your not doing a job you like to do you’ll always hate the job you have”

It’s time to find that bright eyed 5 year old little girl in me; that has an innocent mind and knows no limits. To finally answer the question of what I want to be when I grow up.